A Right Royal Rumpus.

A driver has claimed a gamekeeper on a Sandringham Royal shoot battered him on the head with a stick after screaming: “Mind my dogs you f****** peasant.”

This was an article written in The Sun newspaper and you have to just love the language used, for example the title “Royal Rumpus” which implies there was Royalty present, although the article does go on to say that Buckingham Palace was unable to confirm whether Prince Andrew was in the party.

I rather suspect that Buckingham Palace would be unable to confirm whether a great number of Royal personages were in the party, was the Queen perhaps, hiding in the shrubbery waiting for Prince Phillip to pick her up in his new Range Rover. Personally I doubt it.

The story continues that Mr Patrick Panks said “I came round the corner at around 30 mph and this toff was stood with his dogs, about six of them.” At this stage I am wondering how he knew the fellow with the dogs was a toff as he hadn’t yet spoken to the chap, rather a snap decision I would have thought as not everyone who dresses in country tweed is a toff.

However, he continued; “I had to stop because they were in the middle of the road, he was waving his stick around and hit the front of my car.”

“I wound down the window and before I could say anything he shouted.” “Mind my dogs you f****** peasant, I couldn’t believe it.”

“I was furious so I leapt out and shouted; “I’m no f****** peasant, who are you calling a peasant?”

 Patrick Panks told police a gamekeeper, right, on a Sandringham royal shoot hit him on the head with a stick and called him 'a peasant'

The photograph above was inserted, presumably to show the altercation between the two men but if I’m not mistaken you can clearly see a walkie talkie in the hand of one of the men suggesting to me that this is just a library picture of country folk at play.

The argument between the two men continued and I have to say it’s a jolly good job The Queen wasn’t hiding in the shrubbery for this is not the sort of language to use in front of her, no matter how broadminded she may be.

Eventually, the  gamekeeper seems to have tired of the conversation and set about Mr Panks with a stick causing him damage about the head.

Mr Panks said he suffered severe cuts to his head and neck and has cuts and bruises across both arms and his body. He went to A & E for a brain scan and doctors have warned him to expect concussion.

This is not the place to question whether the appropriate number of brain cells to rub together were found especially as the fellow does seem to have had what might be described as a damn good thrashing.

Apparently he reported the incident to the police but will not make a statement until he knows he is not concussed, which I would have thought was not an easy task, for if you are concussed I would imagine you would be too confused to know.  Perhaps someone will tell him

I have to admit I have taken a slightly flippant attitude when writing this tale but when I first read the story I couldn’t help thinking this would be so much better as an episode for a Jeeves and Wooster story, the final scene being the poor Mr Panks in A & E having shotgun pellets removed from his buttocks whilst the toffs are outside laughing hysterically.

 

 

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About The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

I am a retired actor, although to be honest I only retired because I wasn't getting any work and the option of becoming an unemployed actor/waiter at my age was ludicrous, especially as my waiting skills are non-existent. Having said I’m retired, I don’t think there really is such a thing as a retired actor for I am still available for work, I just don’t have an agent or any connections with regards to obtaining any worthwhile work. I have over the years done student films when there is nothing else available, always low paid (if at all) the only incentive was always the promised copy of the finished film for your show reel which nine times out of ten always failed to materialise. I spent many years looking after my aged mother who had dementia, hence the lack of acting work but shortly after her death I was lucky enough to run into an ex-girlfriend of many years ago and our romance blossomed once again, resulting in us getting married in 2013. My move to the countryside inspired me to write The Diary of a Country Bumpkin which tells of my continuing dilemmas in dealing with the rigors of the countryside from the unexpectedly large number of pollens, fungal moulds and hay products waiting to attack the unsuspecting townie. I enjoy writing, see my play Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori on The Wireless Theatre Company, The Plays Wot I Wrote and The Battle of Barking Creek both available on Amazon.co.uk and am very fond of classic cars so my ideal occupation would be acting in a film I had written set in the 1930s/40s, we live in hopes. I am delighted to say that since venturing to the countryside where space is not quite the premium it is in town, I have due to the availability of two double garages acquired more classic cars to form a small collection the pride of which are a 1947 Bentley Mk VI and a 2000 Bentley Arnage. My various blogs and websites are continually evolving and I’m sure that by following the appropriate links you will find something which will edify or amuse.
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11 Responses to A Right Royal Rumpus.

  1. 2 things have struck me with this tale.
    1 We shouldn’t read the Sun
    2 People who wear tweed are called Tweedophiles.
    Good stuff Mr Bumpkin!

  2. Almost Iowa says:

    Though I walk my dog out on the country roads every day, I doubt that anyone would accuse me of being a toff. Around here, the f****** peasants dress better than I do, which isn’t saying much.

    Having read your about, I must say that I usually reserve my envy for pickup trucks and tractors, but a 1947 Bentley Mk VI? Be still my beating heart. 🙂

  3. Copy Chick says:

    My first read of your blog and I have to say, I chuckled the whole time. Our twang might be different but sense of humor, spot on. Great writing!

  4. Hi Mr Bumpkin, thank you for spending some time on my blog. As an Australian “gel” lately from dear old blighty, your story made me laugh out loud. As an aside, your Bentley is one year younger than me. I hope you aren’t currently snowed in.

    • The Bentley is 4 years older than I am, it’s the first new model they produced after the war and the first model they made without a separate chassis, ( before that you had to send your car off to a coach builder to have your chosen body made and fitted to the chassis). It is quite an early example and when new cost £3848 which was an awful lot of money in those days. I know some of the history and after the war cars were in very short supply, they had to export most of the ones we made as the country was virtually bankrupt and needed the money. The chap who bought it was offered three times the purchase price to sell it but he chose to keep it, he either had tons of money and it didn’t matter or he liked the car a great deal. We are very lucky as we live in a fairly sheltered part of the south east and have missed virtually all the snow, so far! Thank you. I assume you are not under water as some of your fellow Australians are?

      • Thank you for telling me more about your lovely car, my husband would be most envious. My father was the only person in our street to own a car when we lived in London many years ago. After hanging up his motorbike and sidecar gloves and boots, he purchased a Morris 8 convertible, from the grocer living on the corner. As a family of 5 I have many memories of journeys we took in her. My father could turn his hand to most things and I recall he took her apart and resprayed her in our front garden much to the interest of passers by. Maroon bodywork with black wheel arches. Very smart. Perhaps they were the original colours I don’t remember. No we are not under water here in Melbourne. In fact we could use a little rain. Glad you are not showed in.

      • Maroon with black arches was an original colour. My first classic car was an Austin Seven which had a 747cc engine and could do 48 mph flat out! Quite a contrast from my modern Bentley which has a 6750cc engine and a turbo charger, not surprisingly for a car that weighs two and a half tons it can still go extremely fast.

  5. -Eugenia says:

    Love your sense of humor and the fact you collect classic cars! Brilliant writing, Mr. Bumpkin and thank you for following BrewNSpew.

  6. A. Nonymous says:

    Reblogged this on One Angry Tweet and commented:
    Brought a smile to my face. Thanks!

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