Valentines day.

It’s Valentines day and what should I get the woman of my dreams to show my love for her, well nothing, luckily enough she’s not into all that flowers and chocolates lark.

I was saying to our youngest as I dropped her at the station this morning that I show my love for her dear mother in the everyday things that I do for her which mean far more than a futile gesture once a year.

As you my have noticed I haven’t blogged for some time, this does not mean I have been idle, far from it. I was as you know laid low with fearful man flu which I gallantly fought and at no time did I cease in my labours around the house.

Due to other circumstances it has been neglected for some time before my arrival, hence the fact that most things here did have a tendency to come off in your hand, but no more. After an intensive course of maintainance there has been a considerable improvement in that regard.

My girlfriend is like me, very single minded and when she gets an idea in her head then that idea will be carried out come what may.

We have been having a substantial clear out, if it moved and was surplus to requirements then it was thrown out. One of the items we came across for disposal was a very large quantity of Calor Gas bottles acquired over the years, some empty some full to the brim.

Together with some enormous BOC Oxygen bottles this place was a veritable tinder box waiting to go off, I dread to think of the consequences had there been a fire . I can imagine the fire brigade arriving with their thermal imaging cameras and declaring a two mile exclusion zone and leaving the place to burn down.

To avert that tragedy we called the Calor Gas people who came and picked up their canisters, however the BOC wanted £40 per cylinder to pick up, so my girlfriend, as you know a single minded individual said we would take them back ourselves.

I love her optimism and her enthusiasm, she always assumes things will be done, even the impossible. I have no idea how heavy these canisters are but the tall one was about five plus feet tall and full, which means it was ‘F’ ing heavy.

Now, I am neither the strongest nor the youngest man I know but unfortunately I too, like my girlfriend am also an extremely single minded individual and once the idea of moving the canisters was in my head that’s where it stayed.

Aware of the dangers of moving such a large, heavy and unstable thing as a cylinder I set about devising a way to get the item into the 4×4. Now at this point you may be asking yourselves 4×4, I have no recollection of a 4×4 and this is true but due to the man flu it was omitted from this blog, I will give you the full story later.

Back to the BOC cylinder, which I had realised would be able to maim if not kill anyone who should be unfortunate enough to have the damn thing land on them.

I therefore set about devising a way of moving and loading the aforesaid item completely alone so as not to endanger my loved one in any way.  By tipping it over slightly I was able to roll it to the back of the 4×4, but how to get the thing off the floor and into the back was the problem.

My cunning plan was to first tip one side and then the other, each time placing wood blocks under as I went; a considerable amount of physical dexterity was needed and no small amount of bravery too.

After some time I had the thing at a height where I felt we could topple it into the back of the 4×4 so sadly had to resort to calling my girlfriend to assist me. It went like clockwork which just shows I must have been listening to my geometry at school, fulcrums etc, (that is geometry, isn’t it?).

Having loaded the smaller canisters, no small feat as they too weigh a fairly substantial amount, we set off for the depot to return them.

Upon our arrival the young man at the counter came out and attempted to move the smaller canister and obviously realising it was full informed us that he was unable, due to Health and Safety, to lift them.

Obviously getting them off was much easier than the other way, so all I did was to drag them to the tail gate and let them slide to the floor, it did seem rather ironic that a man of my advancing years was allowed to do this and yet  a fit young man working for the company was unable to handle them.

Well, that’s it, Valentines Day. How do I love thee, let me count the ways; being there for you every moment, pandering to your every whim, risking life and limb with massive gas canisters and so many other things. It’s got to be better than a box of chocolates!

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About The Diary of a Country Bumpkin

I am a retired actor, althought to be honest I only retired because I wasn't getting any work and the option of becoming an unemployed actor/waiter at my age was ludicrous, especially as my waiting skills are non existant. I spent many years looking after my aged mother who had dementia, hence the lack of acting work but shortly after her death I was lucky enough to run into an ex girlfriend of many years ago and our romance blossomed once again. My move to the countryside inspired me to write The Diary of a Country Bumpkin which if I had the time would be updated on a much more frequent basis, however country life and children seem to be a full time occupation. I enjoy writing, see my play Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori on The Wireless Theatre Company and am very fond of classic cars so my ideal occupation would be acting in a film I had written set in the 1930s/40s, we live in hopes. That's all for now, toodle pip.
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